Senators Announce Plans to Privatize Elections

· Posted by Joshua in Headlines

Excerpted from a 2013 Newspaper:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A bipartisan group of 37 senators today announced support for the “Restoring Freedom in American Democracy Act,” introduced last week by senators Lewis Clark (R-Missouri) and Candy Cain (D-Nevada). If passed, the legislation would hand over responsibility for conducting federal elections to private companies. Supporters of the bill say it will help reduce government spending and ensure fairer, more efficient elections. Critics call the measure unconstitutional and fear it could disrupt voter rights.

“It’s time we end this socialist system of state-run elections and take government out of our God-given right to vote,” said Sen. Clark to cheers on Capitol Hill. “America needs to live up to its ideals of freedom and open its elections to the free market.”

The proposed bill would create a streamlined process for companies to secure authority to register voters, print ballots, operate polling places, and tabulate federal election results on a state-by-state basis. Officials hope competition between polling companies in each state will encourage greater efficiency on election day.

“We’ve all experienced long lines at the polls and late nights waiting for results on MSNBC,” explained Sen. Cain. “We can each remember the mess between Bush and Gore in Florida in 2000, or between Palin and Obama in 2012. The states just don’t do a very good job of running elections, and taxpayers will save money by allowing businesses to take over the polls.”

Wall Street welcomed the introduction of the bill, which coincided with the IPO of VoteRight, Inc. “Investors are very interested in this opportunity,” said Chuck Burgess, CEO of VoteRight. “Over 100 million people voted last year,” he added giddily, “and that could translate into more than a billion dollars in registration fees and ballot charges as voters enter the private polling market.”

Critics attacked the idea of for-profit polling companies, alleging that fees could prevent poor people and minorities from voting. That didn’t bother Joe Montgomery, a mechanic from Oklahoma City. “I don’t see why my tax dollars should go to print ballots for people who aren’t contributing to the system,” said Montgomery. “I’d rather pay up front to cast my vote than pay taxes that subsidize voters who don’t agree with me, politically.”

Others weren’t so sure. “What about rural voters?” asked Audrey Teasdale, a rancher in South Dakota. “It’ll never be profitable for businesses to set up polls out here. I’ll have to drive hours just to find an open polling place.”

Chuck Burgess tried to allay concerns. “VoteRight will bring new frontiers of customer convenience to the election market,” he said. “Consumers will be able to vote over the phone with a credit card, or buy as many ballots as they want in the mail. We can keep fees low by letting candidates bid for advertising space. Most people will be able to afford two or three votes each election day. That’s a better deal than they’re getting now, really.”

Americans in several cities are planning silent vigils to protest the legislation. Asked about their concerns, they said nothing.

Sen. Clark was unfazed by the opposition. “Real Americans want this reform, because they’ve seen that elections in our country have been a scam for too long.” Clark won election in Missouri in 2012 with over 60% of the popular vote. “I love America, but the current system is broken. I was shocked, absolutely horrified, when I first learned that when we vote for government officials, we trust the government itself to certify the results! It just doesn’t make sense. That kind of thing needs to be done by reliable, independent businesses operating in a competitive atmosphere.”

Clark’s remarks led at least one opponent, Bernard J. Wolfe, a 58 year old government worker in Kansas City who asked to remain anonymous, to call the senator “that good for nothing son of a bitching sell-out pig.” Most citizens, however, seem indifferent to the proposed changes.

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” said Kelly White, a student at Kent State University in Ohio. “Like no one I know votes anyway.”

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